Don't buy a house.

posted by Sarah Jacobs - 

Three years ago (this week, actually), my husband and I bought our first home. It's an older house, built in the 70s, that had been partially updated when we bought it. In the last 3 years, we've done a lot of additional work to it, and we're far from done, but it's coming along. 

Yesterday, we came home from work to find that some jackwagon had tried to break into our shed. There's a little metal shed on the side of the house that was there when we moved in. This idiot didn't even bother cutting the lock off...he (I'm assuming it's a he) just pried up the metal door and crawled in the opening it created. 

Our shed.

JOKE'S ON YOU, LOSER. There's nothing in that shed! Unless you're into rakes and empty planter pots! IDIOT! The good stuff is in the OTHER shed! 

YEAH! There's another shed that we built earlier this year, and good luck getting into that beast, because my husband over-engineered the ever-loving crap out of that thing, and it's probably built better than your house. I'm not kidding, when the apocalypse happens, the only things left on Earth will be cockroaches, Keith Richards, and that shed. 

See that window? It's hurricane glass! I told you: over-engineered. 

NEW shed

So now, the shed is vandalized FOR NO REASON, and it's even more of an eyesore than it was before. Thanks, loser wannabe thief. 

Now, let's move on to the OTHER problem we found yesterday. 

As I'm in the garage working out (I turned my garage into a gym, because real gyms are germ factories, and I don't like to wait my turn for equipment), husband comes out and says, "Have you noticed the water pressure has been a little low?"

I said that, yes, as a matter of fact I did notice the water pressure was low when I was taking a shower the previous night. 

THERE IS A GEYSER IN THE FRONT YARD. 

AWESOME. 

A pipe has broken at the meter, between our house and the street. I'm hoping it's the city's responsibility to fix, but with my luck, it's probably not. In the meantime, we didn't want water gushing out everywhere, running up our bill, so the water to the house has been completely shut off. Need to wash your hands? Do the dishes? Flush a toilet? Better do it somewhere else, because it's like the Old West up in here. 

They say these things come in threes...so what do you think will be the next thing to break?

"Buy a house," they said. "It's the American dream!" they said. *ugh*

Sarah Jacobs

Sarah Jacobs

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